People are always shocked when the answer is I moved here with a cult. It is such a strange story that at times it is hard to believe it was really my life. In one sense, I think about old friends almost daily. In another, I am so far removed from the group that the "cult" aspect of it stays fairly far from my thinking. But there are times when I'm consumed with that part of my past. It is hard to believe this year marks half of my life spent in Tennessee.
In the times of really stopping and thinking about what I have been delivered from, I'm knocked off my feet at the thought of what God has done for me. It is so rare for someone to leave a group like the one I left and land in the gospel. So many former cult members end up writing God off altogether or landing in something even stranger. Not ending up in either of those conditions is solely a testament to his sovereign grace.To live a somewhat normal (whatever normal is) life after being part of a cult is astonishing in itself. To have come under the care of so many godly, gospel-centered believers is amazing.
The cult's leaders literally took sleeve length more seriously than child abuse. Pants versus skirts received more attention than right versus wrong. Justice and holiness were replaced with cover-ups and rules.
And these were all really just symptoms of the main problems. The leaders have taught a false gospel handed down from false apostles. The foundation was man and not God. Audible voices 'from heaven' have been given more authority than God's word.
All this to say, this has been a week where I've spent more time than usual thinking about the wonder of being delivered from my past. Each time I think about it, I am broken. So, coming off a week of these thoughts I heard this song last night. I don't know what the writers were talking about, but it describes my experience so well.
Maybe You're Right by Steven Page and Ed Robertson
It was often talked about
It was often raised
But nothing was ever done about it
To hear the way they talked about it
No one could be saved
But nothing was ever done about it
Shall I take back everything I've ever said
And live my whole life in silence instead?
It was oversimplified
It was underthought
And nothing was ever done to stop it
Everything was fortified by
All the lies we bought
And nothing was ever done to stop it
Shall I take back everything I've ever said
And live my whole life in silence instead?
Shall I take back everything I've ever said
(Shall I take back all my attacks? All of my accusations?)
And live my whole life in silence instead?
(All my mistrust - we never discussed anyone's reservations)
There was a time
When a crime was a crime
Now I think I'm losing my mind
Or taking it all too hard
Taking it all too hard
Taking it all too hard
Shall I take back all my attacks? All of my accusations?
All my mistrust - we never discussed anyone's reservations
Shall I take back everything I've ever said
(Shall I take back all my attacks? All of my accusations?)
And live my whole life in silence instead?
(All my mistrust - we never discussed anyone's reservations)
Shall I take back everything I've ever said
(Shall I take back all my attacks? All of my accusations?)
And live my whole life in silence instead?
(All my mistrust - we never discussed anyone's reservations)
Maybe you're right
Maybe you're right
Maybe you're right
But I don't think so
Maybe you're right
Maybe you're right
Maybe you're right
But I don't think so
1 comments:
I understand everything you've just shared. Not because you are my son, but because I also live in continual wonder of my deliverance. Something reminds me of it almost every day.
I will never comprehend why God has delivered me so completely and not others. I remember counseling with my pastor about it and telling him I didn't understand why God would leave ANYONE there who is genuinely seeking Him. That's baffling to me. He said, "People don't leave cults. You are a miracle. But on the same token, God did not drag you out by your heels. You got up and walked out. So can they."
I don't know. I will always wonder. I know it is nothing good in me. It is only God's mercy. He opened my eyes. But it was a process that began many years before I left. I saw enough to want out and then He showed me even more after I took that step. I have never looked back at my spiritual past with even one moment of longing or regret. I feel free from a lifetime of spiritual bondage and I thank God almost daily for delivering me from spending the rest of my life there. For me, it feels like getting out of prison or being handed a new life after being on death row. It sounds dramatic, but that's the only way to describe the contrast between my past and my present.
There is only one thing I can imagine, on my part, that may have made it easier for me to leave. That place was never my identity. I never cared about being a part of a "special" group of people or having "special" knowledge. It was plenty good enough for me to be a part of the "For God so loved the world" group. I remember noticing how many testimonies were giving thanks for how long people had been in the group rather than how long they had been in Christ. I just knew there was something very wrong about that.
When I left, I remember telling God over and over that all I cared about was knowing HIS truth. It did not matter to me if I had to admit my whole life had been built on lies. It did not matter if I had to eat crow and humbly crawl back to my past, admitting how foolish I was to leave. All that mattered was truth.
I will never forget you saying to me once that the reasons you left were not necessarily the same reasons you wouldn't ever go back. I feel the same way.
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