Angry...At Myself

The news of the lawsuit filed against the cult where I was raised has reached the members. This weekend the band leader began their service with the song, "God of Our Fathers." This is the group being sued because of the founding pastor covering up the child molestation committed by his his brother. The brother went on to molest several other children in the group. "God of Our Fathers" seems like a fitting choice for a group wanting to draw a line in the sand. Their response to the lawsuit has basically been a bold and resounding, 'God will judge us."

I commented a week ago about my uncle, an elder in the cult, who laid on his face and said his reaction to dissenters is to act like Moses and let God judge. The pastor (who is married to the daughter of the former pastor who covered up the molestation) has openly declared his actions just and welcomed God's judgment.

One of the doctrines that holds the group together is their belief that God is restoring his church. Men like Martin Luther were rebuilding God's spiritual temple. If you're familiar with Solomon's temple you know the outer courts contained an altar and a washing basin with mirrors around the edge. The group believes that different portions of church history are different restorations of those pieces of the temple. The charismatic movement of the early 20th century, they claim, is the restoration of the washing basin. Now their belief is that the mirrors are being restored as they are given the 'deeper' truths of God's word. All this to say, they believe their group is restoring the true church and other churches play the role of Babylon. Babylon is the great enemy of the cult.

And here is the ultimate irony. Babylon was built in Genesis 11. The world decided to band together and build a tower to reach the heavens. The cry was, 'let's get together and impress God.' Now the group which is so terrified and wary of Babylon is building it's own tower. When the leadership of a group that claims to be Christian reacts by saying, "Let God judge me," they are guilty of the ultimate form of worldliness.

Take your best obedience. I'm talking about the place where you have the least struggle. It might be a gift or talent. It might be how friendly you are or how honest you are. Would you dare approach God's holy throne with that obedience and tell him to judge you? I shudder to think of what my obedience would be before His throne. My only plea is the blood of Jesus. I will never stand before him and tell him to judge me based on me. One of my favorite lines from a hymn is from Isaac Watts, 'I Boast No More" where he writes, "the best obedience of my hands - dares not appear before thy throne." Isaiah says our righteousness is a filthy rag before God. No one will ever stand before the throne of God and demand his judgment. They might as well shout, "Look at my tower."

The title of this post is Angry...At Myself. I am. I wish so badly that I could just not care. I have been asked by members of the cult why I just can't disappear and leave them alone. The simple answer is I love them. I went through a period when I thought I was going to be their savior. I went through another where I made myself their judge. I repent for thinking I was either. I'm clearly not. I'm just a guy who loves them. I love them with a deep love that wants what is best for them. My heart is torn apart when I hear an arrogant response to such a detestable crime. Their public declarations have been flippant and trite. They have mocked and ridiculed victims of abuse while singing proudly about their heritage which consists of terrible abusers of power. I wish I could just walk away. I wish I could obey their wishes and just disappear, but I can't. God has delivered me from the bondage of their false religion. He has opened my eyes and planted me firmly in his gospel. He has taken my filthy rags and clothed me in the righteousness of his son. I stand before him complete because of a passive righteousness I can do nothing but accept by faith. I can't keep quiet.

I know I won't save them. I know I can't judge them. But I can, and must, continue to speak truth to them. Maybe nobody from there even reads this site. Who knows? But if you go there and you're reading. I love you. I speak out because I love you. I understand that the things I'm saying on this site are strong and could be taken as unloving. From the outside of your group, the actions being taken by your leaders reek of arrogance.

Flannery O'Conner wrote, "When you can assume that your audience holds the same beliefs you do, you can relax a little and use more normal means of talking to it; when you have to assume that it does not, then you have to make your vision apparent by shock—to the hard of hearing you shout, and for the almost-blind you draw large and startling figures.

As the arrogance grows, so will the urgency of warnings and pleadings made by those of us who have left.

I probably need to wrap this up. But before I do, I will say once more. I love the members of my former cult. I feel as though I am dead to them. I understand that, but they are not dead to me. And as much as I wish I could just walk away and not think about those I love who I believe to be in bondage is impossible. I will continue to write and oppose them because I believe it is the most loving thing I can do.

I Boast No More

No more, my God, I boast no more
Of all the duties I have done;
I quit the hopes I held before,
To trust the merits of Thy Son

No more my God,
No more my God,
No more my God,
I boast no more.

Now, for the loss I bear His name,
What was my gain I count my loss;
My former pride I call my shame,
And nail my glory to His cross.

Yes, and I must and will esteem
All things but loss for Jesus’ sake;
O may my soul be found in Him,
And of His righteousness partake!

The best obedience of my hands
Dares not appear before Thy throne;
But faith can answer Thy demands,
By pleading what my Lord has done.