Slowly Wear You Down

Last week I wrote about how shocking to it is to see people I know are decent and ethical make exceptions as their cult defends the blatant overlooking of child molestation. I've been thinking a lot about that and how it happens. It reminded me of a conversation I had with the current pastor.

Rebecca and I had been dating for a couple months. When she and I met I warned her about my church. I told her it was a church with a lot of problems, but I felt compelled to stay and help it change. She has told me several times since that if I hadn't been upfront with her about recognizing the issues, we probably wouldn't be together. One of the group's rules was that women should wear skirts or dresses to church. At the time they also taught that women had to wear dresses everywhere. So after one service, the pastor took me aside and asked me to ask Rebecca if she would start wearing dresses or skirts to church instead of pants. (The best part of this is that Rebecca didn't even realize she was the only one in pants. She wasn't focused on the outward appearances.) When he asked me, I told him I would ask her if he could show me the scripture where it says she can't wear pants to church. Obviously, he couldn't. I told him I wouldn't go against my conscience and ask her to do something God doesn't ask her to do. His reply was an excellent example of how the cult wears people down. He said, "Danny, it could be the difference in you having a leadership position." I told him, "No thanks."

This is the way the leadership of the group works. They ask you to make small exceptions to your conscience. Their requests gradually become larger and more demanding, but you don't notice because it is a slow process. Cults always have rules about hair length, makeup, and wardrobe because it is a backdoor into controlling the rest of a person's life. With this group, it began with hair and makeup and ended with the founding pastor telling three hundred people to move to Tennessee. And the scary thing is, we did.

One thing that has struck me as sad the past couple years is I have heard they have begun to cut back on some of the wardrobe and hair length rules. I have heard several of the members celebrate their new freedom to wear what they want to wear. Now, when you're still a part of the cult that feels like freedom. But when you're out, and your eyes have been open to the control and manipulation, you see the tragedy of an adult being excited they get to pick out their own clothes. Their excitement only points to the fact that they're still being told what they can and can't wear. The cult leaders are still in control. It's just a more deceptive and subtle control.

I mentioned earlier about telling Rebecca about the problems I saw when I was still inside the group. It reminded me of something the current pastor always said, "Don't judge a church by its problems. Judge it by how it deals with its problems." When I left, I wrote him a letter telling him that was one of the reasons I was leaving. The group didn't deal with its problems. I hope others will use the same method of judgment.