I'm writing a book. I'm kind of writing a book. I've begun to write short stories about my life growing up in a cult. So far, the process has been pretty therapeutic. I didn't really contemplate how therapeutic it would be, but a friend asked me the other day if the writing process has helped me deal with any of the past. It's amazing how much I feel like I've dealt with it and at the same time I realize there is more baggage than I'll ever really understand. Some of the memories that have come back are kind of funny, but the humor quickly turns to pain. I was thinking about one memory of a Thanksgiving football game. As the game ended I asked the guys if they would all get together and pray. Just a quick prayer of thanks for the game and each other. One of the older guys (probably about 30-35) told me he wouldn't be part of the prayer because the pastor hadn't sanctioned it. Those kind of stories make me laugh for about five seconds. The laughter quickly turns to hurt. Sometimes the pain gives way to anger. Sometimes it just hurts. I want the anger to stay righteous. I want to be angry for the ones who are still involved in the cult, but sometimes the anger goes straight to the leaders who control and manipulate so many.
Last night I asked Rebecca to read one of the stories from the book. It was dark. Rebecca is lots of things, but dark isn't one of them. I don't think she liked it. I'm not sure I 'like' it, but it is truly written from the bottom of my heart. I've been kind of surprised at how dark the stories are. I'm realizing there is still a lot of pain deep inside of me that still needs to have light shone on it.
I've got a few people reading the stories and I'm kind of seeing if it's something that might be publishable. If it isn't, I suppose I'll share the stories here. If it is, I'll probably wait and see if putting them on a blog is a wise thing to do.
This is kind of a strange post for this site. Thanks for reading. Thanks for stopping by. Say a prayer for me.
8 comments:
Danny do I get to be in any of the funny stories. The candy the top ten lists. The mean stares from the platform.( and that was just my wife.)
Tim, you missed your calling. You are a comedian! Now I SO understand why Danny loved sitting by you in church all those years ago. I have to laugh now about how mad Rachel would get at the two of you for cutting up.
my favorite memory of tim and i might be the first time i sat by him. he offered me some lifesavers and i started handing them out to all the people sitting around us just to be a punk. we laughed hard and lynda and rachel weren't laughing.
i miss you, buddy.
i don't eat candy in church anymore.
Danny, you have no idea how you hindered Tim from receiving a vision.
Remembering is painful. You hit the nail on the head. I can't say that all 'dark' stories are 'to be told', but telling them does scatter the darkness. Keep writing.
Val wants to know if you both still have your lists of Hallelujah counts??
Really, isn't that horrible that you get in such a mindset to do things like that? I was known for making my to do lists for the following week, grocery lists, dream vacation lists, etc. I would be so mad at myself because I would forget my notebook and had nothing to write notes on. Val would even get made because I wrote those notes during church.
Shari - I find myself paying attention 100% of the time at Northridge. I don't walk around during worship. I listen at offering. And, I will NEVER miss hearing people clip their fingernails!! Val and I were talking about how wonderful it is that our youth pastor (who is in his early 20's) can say more about an offering in 6 minutes than we would hear from others in 45 minutes.
Danny - I think that it is great that you are able to write everything down. Even if is something that doesn't ever get published, I really think that it is healthy for you to do this.
thanks, liz. it's good to hear from you. i had a great time with val last week.
i had forgotten about the fingernail clipping.
wow.
I had forgotten that, too. And the nail filing as well. I remember when someone visited our church for the first time in CA and actually got up and publicly rebuked the people around her for looking at a photo album during a church service. Do you remember that or were you too young? I don't want to mention her name because I'm not trying to pick on her. It just shows that it was glaringly noticable to a visitor. Most visitors wouldn't get up and say it. And at the time, I thought she was way out of line to do so. But I give her credit for speeaking the truth in hindsight. I do sometimes wonder if these same behaviors still bother her or if she has become desensitized after all these years.
Not to beat a dead horse. Sorry my comments have been so long, Danny. If you start posting those short stories, I have a feeling you'll be getting lots of memory comments. There were all kinds of things I wanted to add to the one you let me read this week.
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