Seeing My Heart

Tonight when I sat down to take a look at the news I saw a story about Hilary Clinton being caught in a lie. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it because my heart is dark and proud. Love, says Paul, always hopes and believes. If I loved her, I would hope and want her best. I did not. Instead I anxiously and excitedly watched the news catch her in her lie. I am a liar. Thankfully mine have not been put on youtube or the evening news. But that doesn't mean there are none. I wouldn't want my lies to be there. None of us would. As I saw my heart, I was reminded of the second song in this post. As I thought about the second, I was reminded of the first. The first is about Christ's love for his people. Jesus, the only lover whose love always hopes, believes, is patient, and kind. The second about our love for him. A love that is shaken, selfish, and poor. Again, I am thankful for his righteousness given to me through the cross. I'm thankful that he became sin so in him I could be made clean. Lover words and music by derek webb like a man comes to an alter i came into this town with the world upon my shoulders and promises passed down and i went into the water and my father, he was pleased i built it and i’ll tear it down so you will be set free but i found thieves and salesmen living in my father’s house i know how they got in here and i know how to get ‘em out i’m turning this place over from floor to balcony and then just like these doves and sheep you will be set free i’ve always been a lover from before i drew a breath some things i loved easy and some i loved to death because love’s no politician, it listens carefully of those who come i can’t lose one, so you will be set free but go on and take my picture, go on and make me up i’ll still be your defender, you’ll be my missing son and i’ll send out an army just to bring you back to me because regardless of your brother’s lies you will be set free i am my beloveds and my beloved’s mine so you bring all your history and i’ll bring the bread and wine and we’ll have us a party where all the drinks are on me then as surely as the rising sun you will be set free Lover Part 2

i’m living in a car graveyard my heart is up on blocks i’m dying on a sail torn ship i’m wrecking on your rocks i’ve got a promise breaking foolish heart that’s broken into three you took it Father, Son, and Ghost and i have been set free i’m dressed up like it’s halloween i’m greedy at your door i’m naked as a crime scene you’re murdered on my floor though i’m cornered by the words i say you’re telling me to speak you teach me how to kill and be killed and how you set me free i am my beloveds and my beloveds mine and i am as surprised as any man born blind but it’s still coming in blurry the images i see but someday it will all come clear and i will be set free

The Sequel

If you missed part one...

The Faithful One

I posted this quote a few days ago, and it won't leave my mind.

"Upon a life I did not live, upon a death I did not die, I stake my whole eternity." Horatius Bonar

I'll never understand why God loves me. I recently taught the story of Hosea to one of the classes at Covenant. I talked to them about God comparing his love for his people to that of a husband who welcomes his wife after she cheats on him. I see my life. I'm that cheating wife. My heart is prone to wander. I look for peace and joy in so many other places. There is a verse in Hosea where God tells Israel he taught them to walk and they ran away from him. As much as I'd like to condemn them, my heart is condemned as the story makes me look in the mirror.

So as I contemplate Easter, I'm thankful and in wonder. I do not understand why he made me, much less came to save me. I do not understand how he could love me as his bride or son. I'm thankful for the Faithful Husband who gives me all that is his and hides me in him. I'm thankful for the Faithful Father who has adopted me and made me his own. I'm thankful he rushes to rescue me, kiss me, and hold me. It is only his kindness that even leads me to repentance.

As I was writing this post, the song 'Wedding Dress' by Derek Webb came to mind. It is my story. It is the story of God's people. As you listen, be moved by the wonder of the gospel. Be moved by the faithful one who chases his wandering bride.

if you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding gift, your life
should that be all i’ll ever need
or is there more i’m looking for

and should i read between the lines
and look for blessings in disguise
to make me handsome, rich, and wise
is that really what you want

i am a whore i do confess
but i put you on just like a wedding dress
and i run down the aisle
i’m a prodigal with no way home
but i put you on just like a ring of gold
and i run down the aisle to you

so could you love this bastard child
though i don’t trust you to provide
with one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side
i am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers less wild
that i would take a little cash
over your very flesh and blood

because money cannot buy
a husband’s jealous eye
when you have knowingly deceived his wife

This is Derek Webb explaining the song and why he wrote it.

Luke 12:32

"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.

Joshua Singing

I wish this had a video to go along with it, but it doesn't. About a month ago I bought the boys a cd called 'Slugs, Bugs, and Lullabyes.' The songs are written by Andrew Peterson and Randall Goodgame. They are fun for the boys and most importantly good for adults as well. One of the songs is called, 'God Made Me.' Joshua can sing the chorus, which goes,

God made me like he made the sea
He filled them up with green and blue
He sent his son, his only one
to fill me up and make me new

I cannot tell you how thankful I am to hear my little guy sing the gospel. Tonight as he was singing to me at bedtime, I told him that God's only son is Jesus. It is fun to watch him learn about Jesus. He knows he made the moon, used to be a baby, and told Noah to build a boat. I'm thankful God has given covenant stories to pass down to covenant kids.

Here is one more song from the album. This one is my favorite.

You Can Always Come Home by Andrew Peterson and Randall Goodgame

I love you today and I love you tomorrow
I love you as deep as the sea
I love you in joy and I love you in sorrow
You can always come home to me

There once was a man who found him some treasure
buried out under a tree
he sold all he had just to own it forever
the treasure is you, you see

I love you today and I love you tomorrow
I love you as deep as the sea
I love you in joy and I love you in sorrow
you can always come home to me

There once were some sheep safe on the farm
one little lamb got loose
the shepherd went out and carried him home
and that little lamb is you

I love you today and I love you tomorrow
I love you as deep as the sea
I love you in joy and I love you in sorrow
you can always come home to me

you can always come home
you can always come home
you can always come home to me

Palm Sunday Link

Today is Palm Sunday. Today we waive our Palms and march into the sanctuary. Today was sing “Hosanna.”

Hosanna is an ancient Hebrew expression. It may surprise you to hear that it does not mean “praise the Lord” or “glory to God.” No, it is not a cry of exhalation. Rather, it is a plea for deliverance. Hosanna means “save us!”

To read the rest, click this link.

The rest of the post is about the dangers of expectations. It reminded me of this song by Randall Goodgame and Andrew Osenga.

Expectations

That boy had the highest of expectations
And he heard that Jesus would fill him up
Maybe something got lost in the language
If this was full, then why bother?

This was not the way it looked on the billboard
Smiling family beaming down on the interstate

You know that we all try to blame someone
But our dreams won’t rise up from their sleep
And the reaching of the steeple felt like one more
Expensive ad for something cheap

This was not the way it looked on the billboard
Smiling family beaming down on the interstate

Dressed up nice for the congregation
Scared somebody’s gonna find him out
Through the din and the clatter of the hallelujahs
A stained glass Jesus sings

This was not the way it looked on the billboard
Smiling family beaming down on the interstate

A Couple Thoughts from the Spring Break Road Trip

Alabama still hasn't fixed their roads.

Andrew doesn't handle car rides that well.

Joshua likes to cuddle more in restaurants than anywhere else.

Rebecca's mom skills are off the charts.

Rebecca has been teaching the 'God our Father' prayer song. I put Steven Curtis Chapman's song 'Still Listening' on a cd for our trip. Listening to the song about God's faithfulness humbled me greatly. I thought I'd share the lyrics.

Still Listening by Steven Curtis Chapman

I would lay me down to sleep
And pray the Lord my soul to keep
And though I never saw Him there
I believe He heard each prayer
For God was great, And God was good
And I knew if I spoke the words
He would be listening

The years can take us far away
From the simple child like faith
But I am longing to return
To the place where I first learned
That God is great, and God is good
So, I will speak the words

God, our Father, once again
I bow my head to pray
You are my Father and my friend, and You hear every word I say
A prayer for forgiveness, A desperate cry for help
Or praise flowing from a thankful heart
Like each time before, I come knowing You're still listening

I will never understand
How the words of mortal man
Can reach the ears of One so pure
And touch His heart, but they do I'm sure
For God is great, and God is good
And He is love

God, our Father, once again
I bow my head to pray
You are my Father and my friend, and You hear every word I say
A pray for forgiveness, A desperate cry for help
Or praise flowing from a thankful heart
Like each time before, I come knowing You're still listening
You're still listening

Luke 18:9-14

The Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: "Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.'

"But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.'

"I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

Spurgeon

“Sin . . . exceeding sinful.”-Romans 7:13

Beware of light thoughts of sin. At the time of conversion, the conscience is so tender, that we are afraid of the slightest sin. Young converts have a holy timidity, a godly fear lest they should offend against God. But alas! very soon the fine bloom upon these first ripe fruits is removed by the rough handling of the surrounding world: the sensitive plant of young piety turns into a willow in after life, too pliant, too easily yielding.

It is sadly true, that even a Christian may grow by degrees so callous, that the sin which once startled him does not alarm him in the least. By degrees men get familiar with sin. The ear in which the cannon has been booming will not notice slight sounds. At first a little sin startles us; but soon we say, “Is it not a little one?” Then there comes another, larger, and then another, until by degrees we begin to regard sin as but a little ill; and then follows an unholy presumption: “We have not fallen into open sin. True, we tripped a little, but we stood upright in the main.

We may have uttered one unholy word, but as for the most of our conversation, it has been consistent.” So we palliate sin; we throw a cloak over it; we call it by dainty names. Christian, beware how thou thinkest lightly of sin. Take heed lest thou fall by little and little. Sin, a little thing? Is it not a poison? Who knows its deadliness? Sin, a little thing? Do not the little foxes spoil the grapes? Doth not the tiny coral insect build a rock which wrecks a navy? Do not little strokes fell lofty oaks? Will not continual droppings wear away stones?

Sin, a little thing? It girded the Redeemer’s head with thorns, and pierced His heart! It made Him suffer anguish, bitterness, and woe. Could you weigh the least sin in the scales of eternity, you would fly from it as from a serpent, and abhor the least appearance of evil. Look upon all sin as that which crucified the Saviour, and you will see it to be “exceeding sinful.”

Charles Spurgeon

Octavius Winslow Quote

Do you ask what is a legal spirit from which the Spirit of adoption frees us? I answer, it is that bondage which springs from looking within yourself for evidences, for comfort, and for motives which only can be found in looking to Jesus. It is that spirit of legality, which prompts you to be incessantly poring over your works, instead of dealing simply and solely with the finished work of Christ. That is a spirit of bondage, which makes a Christ of duties and labor and sacrifices, of tears and confessions and faith, rather than directly and supremely dealing with him 'who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness and sanctification, and redemption'. Beloved, your works, your doing, your sacrifices as means of comfort and as ground of hope, are nothing but filthy rags, the bones of the skeleton, the chaff which the wind scatters. Why have you not joy and peace and hope in believing? Simply because, unsuspected by yourself, you are putting your own work in the place of Christ's work. Oh that you may be led to cast yourself more entirely upon the atoning sacrifice of Jesus; to believe that God looks not at a single work you do as justifying you in his sight, but that he looks only to the divine, sacrificial, flawless, perfect work of his beloved Son!. Oh, come and rest where God rests, in the Crucified One! If he is pleased to accept you only in His Son, are you not satisfied so to be accepted? Away, then, with your fears and distrust and bondage, and enter fully into Christ!"

Broken Places by Andy Gullahorn

Broken Places by Andy Gullahorn

I'd like to find the guy who said this was an easy life
And call him the liar that he is
Cause by now I've lived long enough to know
It's uphill in the snow and barefoot both most the time

They cast is like a lure with TBN brochures
and say your troubles are all behind you
but they lie, its not that cut and dry
they falsely advertise, coverin up the truth...

That this world breaks us all
and when it does some will fall
but those who rise are just as strong in the broken places

I wish they'd show me where
it says my cross to bear is really just an illustration
because sometimes I feel it on my back
The pains not saying that I'm doing something wrong...

Just that this world breaks us all
and when it does some will fall
but those who rise are just as strong
in the broken places

And if God sent his Son to become just like us
and he came and he cried
and he bled and he died

Doesn't that prove it is true...

that this world breaks us all
and when it does some will fall
but those who rise are just as strong in the broken places

I strongly recommend this album. It is called 'Room to Breathe' and you can buy it here.

Half a Life Ago

It seems it is almost at least once a week someone asks me why I moved from California to Tennessee. It seems like such a "small talk" conversation starter, but it never ends that way. Last week it happened again. I was talking to a guy I had just met and we started talking about where we were from. When I told him Southern California he asked the inevitable question - "what brought you to Tennessee?"

People are always shocked when the answer is I moved here with a cult. It is such a strange story that at times it is hard to believe it was really my life. In one sense, I think about old friends almost daily. In another, I am so far removed from the group that the "cult" aspect of it stays fairly far from my thinking. But there are times when I'm consumed with that part of my past. It is hard to believe this year marks half of my life spent in Tennessee.

In the times of really stopping and thinking about what I have been delivered from, I'm knocked off my feet at the thought of what God has done for me. It is so rare for someone to leave a group like the one I left and land in the gospel. So many former cult members end up writing God off altogether or landing in something even stranger. Not ending up in either of those conditions is solely a testament to his sovereign grace.To live a somewhat normal (whatever normal is) life after being part of a cult is astonishing in itself. To have come under the care of so many godly, gospel-centered believers is amazing.

The cult's leaders literally took sleeve length more seriously than child abuse. Pants versus skirts received more attention than right versus wrong. Justice and holiness were replaced with cover-ups and rules.

And these were all really just symptoms of the main problems. The leaders have taught a false gospel handed down from false apostles. The foundation was man and not God. Audible voices 'from heaven' have been given more authority than God's word.

All this to say, this has been a week where I've spent more time than usual thinking about the wonder of being delivered from my past. Each time I think about it, I am broken. So, coming off a week of these thoughts I heard this song last night. I don't know what the writers were talking about, but it describes my experience so well.

Maybe You're Right by Steven Page and Ed Robertson

It was often talked about
It was often raised
But nothing was ever done about it
To hear the way they talked about it
No one could be saved
But nothing was ever done about it

Shall I take back everything I've ever said
And live my whole life in silence instead?

It was oversimplified
It was underthought
And nothing was ever done to stop it
Everything was fortified by
All the lies we bought
And nothing was ever done to stop it

Shall I take back everything I've ever said
And live my whole life in silence instead?

Shall I take back everything I've ever said
(Shall I take back all my attacks? All of my accusations?)
And live my whole life in silence instead?
(All my mistrust - we never discussed anyone's reservations)

There was a time
When a crime was a crime
Now I think I'm losing my mind
Or taking it all too hard
Taking it all too hard
Taking it all too hard

Shall I take back all my attacks? All of my accusations?
All my mistrust - we never discussed anyone's reservations

Shall I take back everything I've ever said
(Shall I take back all my attacks? All of my accusations?)
And live my whole life in silence instead?
(All my mistrust - we never discussed anyone's reservations)

Shall I take back everything I've ever said
(Shall I take back all my attacks? All of my accusations?)
And live my whole life in silence instead?
(All my mistrust - we never discussed anyone's reservations)

Maybe you're right
Maybe you're right
Maybe you're right
But I don't think so
Maybe you're right
Maybe you're right
Maybe you're right
But I don't think so

C.S. Lewis Quote

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” -- CS. Lewis

Don Carson Quote

If God had perceived that our greatest need was economic, he would have sent an economist. If he had perceived that our greatest need was entertainment, he would have sent us a comedian or an artist. If God had perceived that our greatest need was political stability, he would have sent us a politician. If he had perceived that our greatest need was health, he would have sent us a doctor. But he perceived that our greatest need involved our sin, our alienation from him, our profound rebellion, our death; and he sent us a Savior.

— D.A. Carson, A Call to Spiritual Reformation

The Complexities of Brokenness

Please follow this link to this story Captain Kearney's Quagmire

God created a world of peace. He created a world where perfect peace (Shalom) existed between himself and his creation. Adam and Eve experienced perfect peace with each other, within themselves, and with nature. Life was truly integral.

Then sin entered the world and everything changed. They didn't trust God, themselves, or each other. Even nature was now an enemy to their safety. Perfect, integral peace was shattered and imperfect, broken war began.

I don't think it is possible for us to remotely comprehend every piece of our brokenness. We experience it everyday. It is everywhere.

I read the article today about Captain Kearney and what he is doing right now in Afghanistan. The piece is extremely well-written and does a great job of showing so many of the angles that exist in war. I hope you will read it.

As you do, remember this isn't the world God intended. It is the work of an enemy. And thankfully, it is not the end of the story. And our God didn't allow the enemy to win.

One day, Afghans and Americans will live in peace together. There is a day coming when God's people from every nation, tribe, and tongue will sit at the wedding supper of the Lamb. There will be no insiders or outsiders. There will be no insurgents, cowards, guns, or even any need for medication. Until then, we wait with hope. Lord Jesus, come quickly.

Horatius Bonar Quote

"Upon a life I did not live, upon a death I did not die, I stake my whole eternity."

For Todd

A Day in the Life

Robert Murray McCheyne Quote

"Take 10 looks at the cross for every one look at your sin" - Robert Murray McCheyne