Vacation

This is a summary of Andrew in one picture.

This picture reminds me of the clone of a clone in 'Multiplicity.'

The cinnamon roll was supposed to be my breakfast.

Longing (A Brief Post with Long (run-on) Sentences)

My heart is torn. Recently I had some contact with an old friend who is still a member of the group I used to be in. I miss him badly. I think about him everyday. It's usually when I think about a joke I would like to share with him.

The contact was hard because we both shared how much we miss each other and talked briefly about the void in each other's lives because we have no contact. From the depths of my heart I long for his friendship. And from the depths of my heart, I don't know if it's possible. I find myself wondering what would have to happen for us to be able to just hang out. We are both so passionate about our convictions about faith that it would come up. We've had discussions before. This particular friend has been the most respectful and understanding of my convictions that he is involved in an evil system. He, more than any other, has understood that I'm not trying to go after individuals, but am trying to speak out against a system. It's not an easy line to walk, but I've done my best to walk it.

The conversation, as short as it was, has helped me so much. Knowing I'm missed and loved and knowing my friend knows he is missed and loved gives me peace. Nothing has really changed. We're still on opposite sides of a very real and intense situation. But, we experienced some peace. And the moment of peace was refreshing.

I cannot tell you how much I love the people still in the group. I long to see them delivered. My anger is not aimed at them. I believe my anger is for them. That being said, I am angry at the leaders of the group who abuse power and display false humility and compassion. I love them as well, but I don't find myself longing for their company.

I'm not really sure where to end this. Believing and living the gospel will put us in some strange and unsettling situations. There are times when all we have to hold onto our the promises that he will give us back everything we've lost. I hope my friendships aren't lost forever. I pray they are restored.

Vacation Time and A Conversation With Joshua

Vacation Time

We're in Florida at Rebecca's grandmother's condo. We were returning from a weekend in Chattanooga when Rebecca's grandmother invited us down to see her. We've been in our van more than we've been in our beds lately, but it's fun. I once heard a joke about three reasons to become a teacher. June, July, and August.

Rebecca's grandmother has a Wii and a game called 'Paper Mario.' Watching it is worse than watching IMAX movies about how many dolphins and whales I've managed to kill from my home in Franklin. If you go to Chattanooga, skip the dolphin movie. On the bright side, if I go before Rebecca, she has Mario.

Tonight's conversation with Joshua

"Hey, buddy, look at the boat. I think they're going to look for dolphins."

"Oh, they're going to Chattanooga?"

The Aquarium

I'm scared to death of animals. Not just the big ones. I'm scared of dogs and cats, too. We were standing by the stingray tank where you're allowed to touch them. The only thing I know about stingrays is they're capable of killing men who hunt crocodiles. I didn't want to touch one, but I tried. I kid you not, the thing tried to come after me. He literally climbed the glass wall and tried to get me. I can't tell you how much courage I had to muster to touch the thing. I don't know why animals like to play with me, but they do. I know a lot of people who want to believe there will be animals in heaven. If there are animals, I hope they're more respectful of my space.

One of the coolest places in the aquarium was the butterfly sanctuary. There were thousands of butterflies flying around a huge room. As I was walking through the butterflies I heard the butterfly emcee talk about the freedom the butterflies feel because there are no predators in the room. It made me think of the promise of the coming kingdom. There's a day coming when everything that feels like a predator (sin, sickness, depression, fear) will be abolished forever. I had never seen more than one butterfly fly so freely. Watching thousands was amazing. It's a picture of the freedom God's people will experience one day.

Sin

I Don't Want to Fight by Derek Webb

I don’t want to be right anymore
I don’t want to be good
I don’t want to change your mind
to feel it like I do

I don’t wanna sell graves
peddle them door to door
a little something to ease your mind
and prepare you for what’s in store

I don’t want to fight
brother I’m not joking about peace
we can have it here tonight
it all comes down to you and me

you never asked me to save anyone
not in whole or in part
like I was some kind of Holy Ghost
come to change their hearts

you know the tree by the fruit
but just between me and you
I never do what I want
I do what I’m taught
and I’ve been learning a lot
about the violence I’m capable of

so I’m walking away from this
before I hurt someone
‘cause I’m facing enemies
on both sides of the gun

I've been thinking about this song a lot lately. Conflict used to be something I enjoyed. I've changed. I hate fighting. I hate conflict. I hate conversations when somebody is only interested in proving a point and not interested in understanding where someone else is coming from - even when there is disagreement.

I'm thankful to know I'm not the Holy Spirit. I'm sad it's a lesson I had to learn.

A Quote and a Book Recommendation

G.K. Chesterson "What we suffer from today is humility in the wrong place. Modesty has moved from the organ of ambition and settled upon the organ of conviction, where it was never meant to be. A man was meant to be doubtful about himself, but undoubting about the truth; this has been exactly reversed. We are on the road to producing a race of men too mentally modest to believe in the multiplication table."

I read this last night in a book I'm reading called, "Why We're Not Emergent : by two guys who should be."

I highly recommend this book. It is a great and readable summary of many of the current issues surrounding the church.

From Joseph Hart

Let not conscience make you linger,
Nor of fitness fondly dream;
All the fitness He requireth
Is to feel your need of Him.
This He gives you, this He gives you,
'Tis the Spirit's rising beam.

Conversations With Joshua

He got in trouble today for yelling at Rebecca. I told him yelling at mommy was never a good idea.

This ensued.

"Never a good idea, daddy?"

"No, Joshua, it's never a good idea."

With his hand on his chin, "Oh, I thought it was a good idea sometimes."

I'm Getting Baptized ... Again? Sort of...

I met with a pastor last week and discussed my need for baptism. I have had the conversation with many people many times. I have decided I need to be baptized.

The decision has been complex. I don't believe I was baptized in a Christian church. It was a group that denied the deity of Jesus and justification by faith. I was baptized as a six or seven year old. I wrestle and wrestle as to whether or not I was a believer. My gut is that I was. I distinctly remember the thankfulness for forgiveness and the sorrow for sin. I have several memories that make me think I was probably saved, but I know I believed things that aren't true Christian doctrine. I believe the smallest grain of true faith in Jesus can save. I know perfect doctrine doesn't save a person. I think there are people in all denominations who are truly saved yet should leave those denominations if they aren't preaching biblical truth. All that to say, maybe I had saving faith, maybe I didn't. I think I did, but wouldn't be surprised to find out differently when Jesus tells me face to face. Either way, I believe that regardless of the moment of my faith, I was crucified with Christ and eternally joined to him before the foundation of the earth.

I'm strongly opposed to re-baptism because it is a strong statement against the sufficiency of God's grace. I didn't want to be re-baptized if I believed I was correctly baptized the first time.

As I spoke to my pastor, he gave me this input that really didn't even specifically address the time of my faith, but helped me make the decision.

He told me that the church wouldn't tell a person to be baptized again if the person who baptized them had renounced their faith. So the baptism isn't really about the person performing the baptism. But he also said the baptism shouldn't be performed by an organization like the Boy Scouts. Baptism should be performed by a Christian church. As we discussed the beliefs of the group where I was raised we agreed it is not a Christian church. Since I wasn't baptized in a Christian church, I am going to be baptized this summer.

I'm very excited about the baptism. I think one of my closest friends and most influential people in my life is coming in town to baptize me. I cannot understand why God loves me. I'll never comprehend his grace.

Jesus, What a Friend for Sinners by Wilbur Chapman

Jesus! What a friend for sinners!
Jesus! Lover of my soul;
Friends may fail me, foes assail me,
He, my Savior, makes me whole

Hallelujah! What a Savior!
Hallelujah! What a friend!
Saving, helping, keeping, loving,
He is with me to the end.

Jesus! What a strength in weakness!
Let me hide myself in Him.
Tempted, tried, and sometimes failing,
He, my strength, my victory wins.

Jesus! What a help in sorrow!
While the billows o’er me roll,
Even when my heart is breaking,
He, my comfort, helps my soul.

Jesus! I do now receive Him,
More than all in Him I find.
He hath granted me forgiveness,
I am His, and He is mine.

This Is Not Helping

Hockey With Joshua

Belonging to Him

I finished up a four day team camp today with the team I help coach. It was a really strange week. The boys are coming off of several circumstances that are wearing them out emotionally. It was an exhausting week on every level -physically, emotionally, mentally, you name it. There were many good and not so good moments.

After our last game we were standing in a circle and talking about the week. I was encouraged by remembering who I belong to. Knowing I've been adopted by the Father gave me strength and hope I really didn't have or feel. Knowing the hardest lessons in life come at the loving hand of a gracious Father reminded me there is a reason for the ups and downs of life.

I'm thankful to be his little lamb.

I Am Jesus’ Little Lamb by Henrietta L. von Hayn

I am Jesus’ little lamb,
Ever glad at heart I am;
For my Shepherd gently guides me,
Knows my need, and well provides me,
Loves me ev’ry day the same,
Even calls me by my name

Day by day, at home, away,
Jesus is my staff and stay.
When I hunger, Jesus feeds me,
Into pleasant pastures leads me;
When I thirst, He bids me go
Where the quiet waters flow.

Who so happy as I am,
Even now the Shepherd’s lamb?
And when my short life is ended,
By His angel host attended,
He shall fold me to His breast,
There within his arms to rest.