Civil War Two

It Could Get Ugly

Remembering

I'm writing a book. I'm kind of writing a book. I've begun to write short stories about my life growing up in a cult. So far, the process has been pretty therapeutic. I didn't really contemplate how therapeutic it would be, but a friend asked me the other day if the writing process has helped me deal with any of the past. It's amazing how much I feel like I've dealt with it and at the same time I realize there is more baggage than I'll ever really understand. Some of the memories that have come back are kind of funny, but the humor quickly turns to pain. I was thinking about one memory of a Thanksgiving football game. As the game ended I asked the guys if they would all get together and pray. Just a quick prayer of thanks for the game and each other. One of the older guys (probably about 30-35) told me he wouldn't be part of the prayer because the pastor hadn't sanctioned it. Those kind of stories make me laugh for about five seconds. The laughter quickly turns to hurt. Sometimes the pain gives way to anger. Sometimes it just hurts. I want the anger to stay righteous. I want to be angry for the ones who are still involved in the cult, but sometimes the anger goes straight to the leaders who control and manipulate so many.

Last night I asked Rebecca to read one of the stories from the book. It was dark. Rebecca is lots of things, but dark isn't one of them. I don't think she liked it. I'm not sure I 'like' it, but it is truly written from the bottom of my heart. I've been kind of surprised at how dark the stories are. I'm realizing there is still a lot of pain deep inside of me that still needs to have light shone on it.

I've got a few people reading the stories and I'm kind of seeing if it's something that might be publishable. If it isn't, I suppose I'll share the stories here. If it is, I'll probably wait and see if putting them on a blog is a wise thing to do.

This is kind of a strange post for this site. Thanks for reading. Thanks for stopping by. Say a prayer for me.

Have No Fear ... Sonseed is Still Here

Conversations With Joshua

Hands down, one of the best benefits of coaching high school basketball has been my friendship with Daniel Moore. Daniel is one of the other assistant coaches. To see a picture of Daniel, click here.


As Joshua was getting ready for church he looked down and saw this picture of Shel Silverstein lying on the ground.

He said, "That's Daniel."

I said, "Yes. Yes it is."

Begone Unbelief

Begone Unbelief by John Newton

Begone unbelief, My Savior is near,

And for my relief Will surely appear:
By faith let me wrestle, with God in the storm
And help me my Savior, the faith to adorn
And help me my Savior, the faith to adorn

Though dark be my way, Since he is my guide,
'Tis mine to obey, and His to provide;
Though cisterns be broken, And creatures all fail,
The word he has spoken will surely prevail.
The word he has spoken will surely prevail.

Begone unbelief, The Savior is here (3x)
Though cisterns be broken And creatures all fail
The word he has spoken will surely prevail
The word he has spoken will surely prevail

Why should I complain, Of want or distress
Temptation or pain? He told me no less
The heirs of salvation, I know from his word
Through much tribulation Must follow their Lord
Through much tribulation Must follow their Lord

Since all that I meet will work for my good,
The bitter is sweet, The medicine food;
Though painful at present, will cease before long,
And then, O! how glorious, The conqueror's song!
And then, O! how glorious, The conqueror's song!

Patient Endurance

Last week I got together with an elder from our church who is going through some deep suffering. His story of suffering was beyond most that I had heard. But in the midst of his struggles, he had hope. He kept telling me about hope and endurance and believing the promises of God that there is a reason for the suffering. There are few people who can just pour out wisdom without coming off arrogant. He was one of them. I was inspired by his humility and passion as he talked about trusting God in the midst of the hard times. As we talked he kept talking about patient endurance.

I talked to a friend this morning whose third grader is struggling with questions about God's goodness in the midst of pain. The little girl prayed for something she really cared about this summer and the situation got worse. She doesn't understand.

I called a friend last night to celebrate the UCLA win and we ended up talking about the darkness and melancholy that are surrounding him.

This past Sunday our pastor talked about the many deaths that have come to our church family this year. He talked about our church aging and death being a normal part of an aging church. It's not the old people that are dying. We've lost a forty-two year old father of two, a five year old little girl to a tragic driveway accident, and a four year old to a brain tumor.

The brokenness and sadness has stripped me. I don't think I've got the words to explain this, but I'm going to go ahead and try. I've had more doubts and questions this year than ever before. I have grappled and wrestled with so much. But every wrestling match leaves me more convinced that Jesus is my only hope. He is all I've got. Everything I have from my marriage to my sons are in his hands. And if they're not, I'm lost.

When Mary Beth Chapman was on Larry King this summer she spoke of falling to the very bottom, but landing on a sure foundation. I haven't been to the depths she has, but in a small way, I can relate. In my darkest hour, in my greatest need, I have a foundation. I'm thankful tonight for faith, but I long for my faith to become sight. I'm thankful tonight for hope, but I'm longing for my hope to end the moment I fall into my Savior's arms.

The pain is real. It's real enough to make an eight year old little girl wonder if there's a God who loves her. But, the God who loves her is real, and He will not leave his children alone. We all have a cross to carry. We've all got something God has chosen us to suffer for his glory. May he give us the faith and grace to suffer well and show the world our hopeful and patient endurance.

Jesus, I My Cross Have Taken by Henry Lyle

Jesus, I my cross have taken,
All to leave and follow Thee.
Destitute, despised, forsaken,
Thou from hence my all shall be.
Perish every fond ambition,
All I’ve sought or hoped or known.
Yet how rich is my condition!
God and heaven are still my own.

Let the world despise and leave me,
They have left my Savior, too.
Human hearts and looks deceive me;
Thou art not, like them, untrue.
O while Thou dost smile upon me,
God of wisdom, love, and might,
Foes may hate and friends disown me,
Show Thy face and all is bright.

Man may trouble and distress me,
’Twill but drive me to Thy breast.
Life with trials hard may press me;
Heaven will bring me sweeter rest.
Oh, ’tis not in grief to harm me
While Thy love is left to me;
Oh, ’twere not in joy to charm me,
Were that joy unmixed with Thee.

Go, then, earthly fame and treasure,
Come disaster, scorn and pain
In Thy service, pain is pleasure,
With Thy favor, loss is gain
I have called Thee Abba Father,
I have stayed my heart on Thee
Storms may howl, and clouds may gather;
All must work for good to me.

Soul, then know thy full salvation
Rise o’er sin and fear and care
Joy to find in every station,
Something still to do or bear.
Think what Spirit dwells within thee,
Think what Father’s smiles are thine,
Think that Jesus died to win thee,
Child of heaven, canst thou repine.

Haste thee on from grace to glory,
Armed by faith, and winged by prayer.
Heaven’s eternal days before thee,
God’s own hand shall guide us there.
Soon shall close thy earthly mission,
Soon shall pass thy pilgrim days,
Hope shall change to glad fruition,
Faith to sight, and prayer to praise

"He Taught Me How To Turn My Cheek When People Laugh At Me"

Jesus is my friend by "Sonseed" from Peleg Top on Vimeo.

Thanks to Andy Osenga for finding this one.