I refuse to teach my kids to address adults as sir or mam. I just can't do it. I moved to Nashville in 1993 and immediately learned a new custom. A teacher asked me a yes or no question. I responded, "Yes." He said, "Yes, what?" I said, "Yes, I will do what you asked me to do." He replied, "But, yes, what?" I didn't figure it out until he told me I needed to end answers with sir or mam. I wasn't convinced.
A few Christmases ago I was at a family party and one of the cousins was having a little trouble being kind to the rest of the family. When asked to participate in the holiday festivities, the child would respond with an emphatic, "NO!" Her father corrected her telling her to say, "NO, SIR!"
I've been teaching elementary school for nine years now. I see no correlation between respect and kids who say sir when I ask them a question.
So, I'm making my stand. I'm teaching Joshua about obedience and trying to come up with what he should say when I tell him to do something. It's kind of tough when sir isn't an option.
I've enjoyed your responses the last few weeks. So, I'm asking for some more. What do you think about the refusal?
And please remember to address me as sir.
15 comments:
I totally agree on this. And from the other perspective, I HATED being called maam when we moved here. I didn't feel respected, I felt OLD! I just wanted to be called Shari, as I still do.
Give me warm and personal and less formal any day of the week. Show me affection rather than military style respect. HOWEVER, we are in the South. And your boys are going to suffer the possible disdain of your stand if you take a hard line on this. Most people in this part of the country have been raised to believe that sir and maam are the ways in which children show respect to adults. It will create problems for them in school, etc. Unnecessary problems. I don't think it's a constructive stand.
On the other hand, as they get older, you can explain to them that it is out of consideration and love for others that you address adults in this fashion and not because it is a genuine sign of respect. And I don't think it's necessary to demand for them to say "sir" to you as their daddy. Thank goodness you have never called ME maam. Don't ever start, either! LOL.
As an alternative, teach your kids to learn names. Then they can respond by saying "Yes, [name]."
People like to hear their names, Danny.
Thank you, Ben, Sir.
But I thought that in the South a child or teenager was not to address an adult by their first name, either. I had to beg your friends to call me Shari. Remember? I finally threatened a few. LOL. I don't want to be called Mrs. Howerton any more than I want to be called maam. I have gotten used to "Miss Shari" though it still feels like Gone With the Wind to me. : )
I understand your concern. I've seen many a kid say "Ma'am" without an ounce of respect. But you don't want your kids to think Ma'am or Sir is an evil way to address someone. Shari is right. This is the south and as long as they live here, they will be expected to say it.
Sometimes the words may not be an accurate view of the heart but it can lead the heart to eventually have that view. At least that's what I hope as I've taught my kids Bible verses, the way to ask for forgiveness, and many other things that they don't get now but are expected to say anyway.
To you, they can say "yes, Daddy" or "No, Daddy". I've made "yes mommy" chart for my youngest. He gets a sticker for saying "yes mommy" instead of arguing when I tell him to do something. After 10 stickers, he gets a jelly bean.
Concerning the family party story - Just the "no" should be the concern, not the fact that "sir" was left off. Something is wrong with that whole thing.
Well Sir Danny (oh wait I didn't use that right did I?) I'm pretty much with you on the sir/ma'am issue. As a Canadian import with a hippie mother I went through major culture shock when we moved down here. Several of my friend's parents complained to my mother when I didn't refer to them as sir or ma'am. But bless her free expression loving little heart, Diane defended me every time. I think I might tell my boys that its a good idea to call their teachers sir or ma'am but that otherwise they just need to address their elders with respect. Double standard?...probably, but I don't want them getting sent to the principal's office on a technicality!
Entering the frey as a died in the wool southerner with a penchant for rabble rousing, I can see both sides of the issue. Haing been raised to answer adults with a yes/no ma'am or sir seems as natural as breathing to me. I never thought I was respecting or not, I knew it was what it was and that a blank stare or a 'what'd you say?' would follow if I just said 'yeah'. Did the habit or tradition build conditioned little robotons? Maybe.. I like that you, Sir, Danny, Sir, will be employing a different tack. Swimming up stream is often a good thing. With or without the yes sirs and no ma'ams my guess is you & Rebecca will instill in the boys the notion of dignity for all people. Go with God.
I grew up in the southern culture and was never taught as a child to address people as sir or ma'am and I survived and was a pretty respectful kid. I do use the terms now as an adult, if I don't know someone's name, but I don't do it because I was forced to do it as a child.
Eric and I have a similar conviction (for lack of a better term) with teaching the boys to address adults as sir or ma'am, esp. those adults that they already know. And I definitely don't want to be addressed as ma'am by my children. Neither one of us were taught that as children and it just didn't seem natural to teach it to our boys. We have taught (well, are teaching) them to address an adult as Mr./Miss/Mrs. so and so and to show respect in their actions and how they speak to others.
I am an import from indiana so it is hard for me too! I try to teach it to reesi, but I am not that consistent because it just doesn't come naturally to me. I say go for the refusal.
after reading your ideas and comments i've come up with a plan. i will teach my boys that we live in an area of the world that places value on the words sir and mam. i will tell them there is a possibility that someone in authority might not understand why they don't end their responses with the words sir or mam. if those people don't understand why the boys don't end their sentences with those phrases, i will tell the boys to politely say, "well, bless your heart."
Great question and great responses. I enjoyed reading every one of them -- including your conclusion, Danny! Bless your heart, you little rebel! : )
Good plan, Danny. ;)
We may have to use that idea, too.
I typically abhor the use of 'LOL'...but seriously dude, seriously.
I am laughing hysterically at the clear as day mental picture I have of Joshua giving his best 'I swear I'm forty-five' look and saying, "well bless your heart!" to some uptight nursery teacher.
James says...
I'll add my two cents as a born and raised Southerner who has no kids.
I can remember the first few times I went to Danny's house and Shari and Dennis insisting that I call them by their first names. Not only was I raised to say ma'am and sir, I was also raised to refer to all adults by Mr. or Mrs. and then their last name. But I did not have to say ma'am and sir to my parents, which is probably different than most families who insist on those words.
I still say ma'am and sir to anyone older than me unless they are close friends, as a rule.
It's hard to tell what each person will find respectful, especially coming from a child. I'm only 31, but if you put two 10-year-olds in front of me and one says "yes, sir" and the other one just says "yes," I feel more respected by the kid who said, "yes, sir." It's not that the other kid is being disrespectful...But that's me.
Is it disrespectful not to open a door for a girl/woman? Depends on who the girl/woman is. But I think that most girls/women would be impressed by the guy who opens the door.
Again, I don't have children of my own, but I would definitely stay away from giving Joshua and Andrew the idea that the people who prefer sir and ma'am are weird or they are on some sort of ego trip.
Katie, that is one of the best descriptions of Joshua that I have heard so far!
James, I agree. So much of who we are and what we expect and what we perceive as respect is just a matter of the environment we grew up in. I think a true sign of respect is when we can accept and appreciate those differences and not think one is right and one is wrong. When you get right down to it, what is any different about me insisting you call me by my first name than someone else preferring to be called by their last name? Part of my discomfort with the southern tradition was simply that it made me feel old. It felt impersonal and oddly formal. My preference for casual -- and associating that with a warmer way of interacting -- was definitely from my different environment. One is really not superior to another. I think we should go out of our way to be loving whenever possible -- much more so than to make a point either way. But that's just me.
Seriously, I'm so glad you got comfortable calling me Shari, though. I still don't like to be called by my last name and maam is even worse.
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