I wake up around three in the morning fairly often. Sometimes I wake up to the cries of Joshua. Sometimes it's to the voices in my head. Two nights ago it was the voices.
I can't remember if there were thoughts that led up to my question or if it was the first thought as I awoke, but I remember the thought.
Why am I thanking my kids for obeying?
I'm all for positive reinforcement. I strongly believe parents should look for the positive things their kids are doing and encourage them to keep doing them. A 'good job' or 'I'm glad you remembered to obey and make a good decision' is great, but what about 'thank you for making the good choice.' I've found myself thanking them when they obey and I think that's teaching them something I don't want to teach them. I tried to think biblically about it. There's the 'well done, good and faithful servant,' but I can't remember any 'thanks so much for obeying me' comments from God. I remember Jesus saying that when we have obeyed, we've only done what we were supposed to do in the first place.
So, I'm now committed to encouraging them to make good choices and pointing out when they do, but not thanking them for it.
Any insights? Opinions? Comments? Concerns?
Thanking you in advance...
6 comments:
More often than not, when the kids are obeying me, it is so that I don't have to get up off the couch. "Find the remote" or "Fetch me another adult beverage". I think those types of things deserve a "Thanks", but I draw the line at tipping.
Let's see... consider this source, I think I agree with your biblical take on this. Reminding the boys they have listened well and completed what you asked of them is on a different par than thanking.. I like phrases such as: " I appreciate you cleaning your room -that's a good job-way to go" Sound more engaging than thanks...
we tip with candy.
I agree with you. Sometimes I think we just start saying certain things without giving it that much thought. Like when we ask a child if they want to do something we want them to do or add "okay?" to the end of a request (implying they actually do have a choice) and then being surprised that there's a struggle for control...
Odd coincidence, It is exactly 3:19 am as I'm reading this and I too was woken up by the voices. But my voices weren't talking about parenting. They were telling me that it might not have been wise to make it our personal goal to eat every morsel of food that was brought to our table at the Melting Pot last night. Anyway, back to your late night epiphany: I've never really thought about it that way before, but I think you might be right. In fact I think that our tendency to overpraise our three year old every time he does what he is asked might explain part of why he seems to think that there should be wiggle room in every parental request. The standard for 'good parenting' seems to center entirely around positive reinforcement and constant affirmation in the secular world. I think the greatest thing that you and Rebecca are doing in raising your boys is faithfully looking for the Biblical truths behind the issues that we face. It seems that a great deal of the advice out there on parenting addresses behavior, while scripture first addresses the condition of the heart.
Okay...so tonight I call the boys into the kitchen so I can tell them something. They sweetly comply. And I hear myself saying, "Thank you for getting along and playing so well together today. Grandma Shari is so proud of you." They smiled real big and no sooner had the words left my mouth than I was reflecting on this discussion. Too funny.
Post a Comment