I laid in bed awake from three to four last night. Restless and feeling the weight of sin, the Holy Spirit convicted my heart and pointed me to Jesus. He brought issue after issue to my mind and loved me toward repentance. I've been repenting, but it's been a lot of surfacy stuff. This was different. The repentance was for things I hadn't really realized or taken full ownership in. It was sweet and joyful. I woke up feeling lighter and full of grace and peace. It's amazing when it happens. I'm grateful for the kindness of God that leads to repentance.
This morning I was reminded of a chapter in a book by Mark Driscoll called, 'Death by Love.' I highly recommend the book. It describes how Jesus atonement heals and ministers to our deepest longings and hurts. In the particular chapter, Driscoll talks about a guy named Hank who was guilty of sins most of us wouldn't even imagine doing. He had abused multiple women physically, emotionally, and sexually. This behavior was also carried out on his own daughters. He met Driscoll in a pastoral meeting and Iwas shocked by Driscoll's initial approach. Instead of rushing him to the cross, he pushed him deeper into the reality of his own sin. He told him he deserved hell and told him to make a list of every sin he could remember committing. When Hank returned with the list, Driscoll told him to make another list of how to atone for each sin. Hank attempted the list, but returned to Driscoll and told him he could never do it. He was old and dying, and even if he had all the time in the world he would never be able to right every wrong he had committed.
Hank said, "I cannot pay everyone back that I stole from and ripped off because I don't have any money. I can't make up for the things I've done because it's too late. I can't even call the people I hurt to say I'm sorry because I don't even know where to find them and some are dead. I tried calling my daughters and they refused to even talk to me. I am so sick that that I can't even leave my bed to try to make anything right."
Driscoll asked Hank where he thought he was going and Hank replied, "I'm going to hell." Driscoll told him he was right and then proceeded to tell him about the ransom Jesus paid on the cross.
I woke up thinking about this chapter and about how I can't even be sorry enough to make my sins right. My only hope is the finished work of Jesus. My only stand is taken in him. I'm thankful today that I'm forgiven because of his goodness and not because of mine. I'm thankful his grace has made me complete in him and allows me to lay in bed, look deeply into the sin of my heart, and rest as he performs his surgery of love.
3 comments:
Amen.
I just started reading Death by Love yesterday. The first chapter is hard to read emotionally. It even affected me physically. I read it while I was riding the bike and I have never sweat that much on the bike. It wasn't because of the intensity of my workout. It was the book. I stopped reading and have a few more pages in the first chapter. But I can tell this is going to be a very powerful book. I'm glad you recommended it to me.
I'm almost done with the book. It's incredible. I have cried so many times while reading. And I keep thinking of specific people I would like to give the book to. Most of them are people who have been greatly sinned against. It is such a powerful book addressing both the sins we have committed and those that have been committed against us.
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